Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
