Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
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He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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