so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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