You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm passing your future prison.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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