She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
