he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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