in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
