You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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