We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
