Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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