LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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