Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
