I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So many bounce houses so little time
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Found your dick twin last night
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
