Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
