i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
