I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
