If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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