Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
