I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
