I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
