apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
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His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
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Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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