What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
