I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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