You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
40s are totally the cure
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
