oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
