Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
