Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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