Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
