I puked a lego.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
