i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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