Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
