bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
