I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
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Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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