I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
