peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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