Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Your cock deserves a montage
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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