I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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