Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
