He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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