i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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