Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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