So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
