How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
not ubering you a puppy
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
