If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
