I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Oh god it's open bar.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
