I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
