first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I want her autograph on my taint
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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