I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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