When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
