I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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