he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
