you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
