when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
