No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
