my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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