I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
