I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
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Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
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Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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