umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
